Excuse Me, Your Depression is Showing

Last week, I was severely depressed.

Not just blue.  Depressed.  I couldn’t get up the energy to get out of bed.  I was crying every day.  My usual sparkle at work was gone too.  Normally, as soon as my feet hit the stage everything else melts away and I am flooded with energy.  Not last week.  Try as I may, I felt dead.  Apparently, it showed.  I thought I was doing a pretty good job of hiding it, but when everyone around you suddenly wants to cover you in hugs and ask you if you’re “OK” you know that you’re not.  This just caused me to sink further.

It’s frustrating.  I feel like I’ve navigated tougher situations than this, yet this move is seriously pulling me down.  What is wrong with me?!  I’m moving to effing New York and I don’t have to get a job when I get there!   I’m moving to New York where I have boatloads of amazing friends and opportunities!  Theatres, museums, SEASONS!  I should be jumping for joy, not wallowing in a pit of despair.

Leaving my job is at the core of the depression.  I know it.  I love this place and the people in it.  I know I will never get to have this experience again.  I am beyond grateful for having been chosen to be a part of it and beyond grief for having to leave it.  Every time I go to work, it’s like living with someone you still love after a break up.  So painful.

Luckily, this week has been a little better.  The hubs came for a visit over the weekend and that lifted me.  I’ve also been actively trying to combat the evil depression vibes with projects, making lists of things I’m looking forward to, prayer, exercise and soaking up some good ole sunshine.

3 more weeks ’til moving day!  Fingers crossed I can make it!

 

Austin To Do List

I made this little “things to do before I leave” list.  Kind of shocked, but not really, at the amount of list items that include eating.  It’s amazing that I don’t weigh a million pounds considering how much I love food.

 

Are you an Austinite?  Ever been to Austin?  Is there something on my list I’m missing?

Roach Logic

Ah, here we are.  Late spring is arriving in Austin and so with it comes dryer weather and the migration of tree roaches into our house searching for water.  I typically find the super sized fiends after dark chillin’ in/around the kitchen sink or the bathtub.  Blech!  Hubs is typically the one who takes care of the bug issues.  He even has a designated cup for catching the suckers and releasing them onto the back porch.  However, since he’s living the fancy life in NY, it’s my job now and my usual tactic to get them out is to pound on the counter tops (from a safe distance, of course) and scream, “Get out of my house!” until they run back into whatever hidey hole they emerged from.

While discussing the roach problem with Hubs over the phone a few weeks ago, he said that they can’t climb out of bowls or cups.  What?!

Me:  That makes no sense.

Hubs:  Well, they can’t

Me:  Are you kidding me!?!  Those suckers can climb up the side of a cup to get in it, why couldn’t they get out?

Hubs:  They can’t do it.

Me: You’re insane!  I’ve seen those things climb walls and chill on the ceiling!  Where are you getting this information?!  How do you know this?

Hubs:  I just know.  It’s not possible.

 

So, tell me internet friends…can roaches climb out of bowls and cups or is it somehow strangely impossible?  Where is the logic to them not being able to get out if Hubs’s claims are true?  More importantly, is there a better way to get rid of these nasty things besides screaming like a crazy lady or subjecting my house to toxic goo?

So…We’re Moving

We’re moving and it’s been a whirlwind of an emotional experience so far.  On Facebook, I proclaimed we were leaving Austin for New York on April 1st and a lot of people thought I was playing an April Fool’s joke.  No joke.

I swear I feel like crying at least once a day, and sometimes tears actually make their way out.  Mostly, I just walk around with a lump in my throat at the thought of leaving this wonderful city where I put down roots and have grown so much as a person in the past 11 years.  Then again, I also want to cry at the thought that I’m moving to a place that is so magical and insane.  New York is one of my favorite cities and I never ever ever ever thought I would actually live there.

This past weekend I flew up to NYC to see the hubs and help find us a place to live.  We’re leaving at the end of May, so it’s a big, stressful push to get an apartment (more on that later), pack our house and settle things here.

We have to sell cars and furniture.  We have to say goodbye to amazing friends, my job that I adore, spring wildflowers, swimmin’ holes, BBQ and Shiner.  I’m having a really hard time with this choice we’ve made even though I know it was the right one.  Usually, I love the chance of new adventures, but I think I love the life we created here in Austin even more.  I’m so afraid if things don’t go well when we move I’ll be angry and resentful.  When I feel that fear rise up in me, I try to think of other things…how neat it will be to raise a kid in the city, actually having seasons, holiday window displays and not having to deal with Cedar Fever.  I also think of the fact that no matter where I am geographically, I will always be home when I am with my husband.

Button Thumb Tacks

For the longest time, the enormous blank wall in our kitchen remained an enormous blank wall in our kitchen.  I knew I didn’t want to hang any artwork in there on the chance occasion some culinary experiment might explode, spatter or (heaven forbid) catch fire.  Around the time I was at my peak of annoyance with this empty space, I had also accumulated a large stack of Christmas cards and had run out of places to display them.  Sooooooo, this little display gem was born…

It looks pretty sad and sparse at the moment,  but with Valentine’s and birthdays around the corner I know it will be filling up again!  During the holidays the hanging string and all the boards were packed!  The cork boards came in a pack of four from Target and I mounted them to the wall with the velcro type Command strips on all four sides.  The hanging string at the top is just thick embroidery thread tied between two nails.  Super simple.  My favorite part of this project has to be the button thumb tacks I made.

I started out using plain brass tacks, but was quickly bored with them.  One of my many jars of buttons popped up in the corner of my eye and the problem was solved.

Button + hot glue + thumb tack = super cute,easy and functional project!

TCP: Elementary…Records

We had a glass record cabinet.  I remember the doors with their small magnet closures and all the albums packed in tight.  From time to time, I think I would go through and rearrange the order they were in while listening to them…alphabetically, colors, favorites.  My favorites were usually the ones with big foldout spreads and great cover art.  The characters from Yellow Submarine were intriguing and scary at the same time.  I made up stories about them in my head.  Blondie writing her number backwards on a man’s forehead confused me for the longest time.  For some reason, the records with the most interesting artwork were all forbidden to me.  No Grateful Dead for this five year old.

I also had my own tiny pink record player.  It was bright pink and closed up like a briefcase for easy portability.  While most of my friends were listening to pop on cassettes, I was shuffling through the giant stack of  45′s from my parents’ youth.  The music of Motown, early Beatles tunes and The Kingsmen wailing “Louie Louie” were among the soundtracks of my childhood playtime.  That little pink record player also made for a good makeshift Barbie house.

Here’s a list of some record memories that made it into my Elementary time capsule playlist…

• Beatles – “Yellow Submarine”, “Sgt Pepper”, “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds”
• Blondie – “Heart of Glass”, “One Way or Another”
• Harry Nilsson – “Me and My Arrow” (The Point! was one of my favorites)
• Mary Poppins
• Sesame Street
• Huey Lewis and the News – “The Heart of Rock and Roll”, “I Want a New Drug”
• Beach Boys – “Little Deuce Coup”, “Surfer Girl”
• Kingsmen – “Louie Louie”
• Rolf Harris – “Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport”, “Waltzing Matilda”

Time Capsule Playlists

I don’t know how I come up with some of these crazy projects.  I think this one emerged from hearing something ridiculously nostalgic whilst listening to my iTunes on shuffle.  The memory attached to this song (which I can’t remember for the life of me now) was so clear.  I began to flip through other tunes and each of them made me remember specific moments, conversations, places and even outfits.  From sitting on the living room floor a midst a see of vinyl albums as a child, to school dances, relationships, break-ups and make-ups, I became deeply fascinated by how much music is deeply ingrained in the fabric of my memory.

I decided to make music time capsules in the following categories…

• Elementary – music from my first memories of music (Sesame Street, Mary Poppins) to age 10
• Jr High – ahhh, music from those formative years of adolescence 11-13 when you are torn between listening to what your parents like and what your peers like and are not quite sure yet what you like
• High School – teen angst + the 90′s for my years of 14-18 when early hints of my personal music taste are beginning to take shape
• College – spans the years from 18-22 when a whole new world of music opens up by meeting people who are into indie and underground sounds
• 20′s – self explanatory, a strange mix of indie, classic rock and a new found love for hip hop

The rules…

• A song goes into the time capsule playlist only if it evokes a vivid memory.  Example… “Lucky Star” reminds me of tying a hot pink lace scarf around my head in a floppy bow and dancing on the bed at Melinda and Bear’s house and therefore gets a spot in the playlist.  ”Roxanne”, while from the 80′s, has no specifics attached to it and is therefore out (sorry Police).
• A song can appear in more than one playlist.
• If there is a case of an entire album being memorable (i.e. Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”), choose only two songs from the album.  This rule is hard, but keeps the playlist from being a million miles long.
• You may not spend a millionty dollars compiling these lists.  Luckily I have a birthday coming up, Christmas gift cards and a husband with a giant music library to help me on my way.

So far, I’ve worked through my entire music library and plan to hit Mike’s next.  As I went through my music, I made a song wishlist for each category.  You know, things I’m missing and eventually plan on acquiring.  So far I’m finding this to be an interesting study of memory and the evolution of my musical tastes.

Would you ever do this?  Have you ever done this?

Junk Food Hat

Well, the folks at work decided Lady Gaga needed a dramatic hat to go with her meat dress and this lovely creation was born…

This is the hat in its almost complete form.  More glitter and sequins were added after I saw this pic.

Just a word of warning…never carry a giant food prop/costume when walking downtown.  I was attacked by a crazy, homeless woman just half a block away from the theatre.  She seriously pinned me against a fence asking me for my food, “I know you have food!  Gimme your food!”  With my arms full of props and my bag o’ laundry I sternly replied, “Get off” and had to give an aggressive shoulder shove.  Oh the glamour of working downtown!

#10: Create

Share a creative project you undertook this year (art, writing, DIY, cooking, home decoration, crafts, photography … whatever comes to mind). How do you use your creativity to express yourself?

Oh, silly prompt!  If only you knew me!  I create wild things on a weekly basis for work and let’s not even venture into the mountain of DIY I embarked upon for the wedding!

How about I choose 2 projects from this year?  Yes?  OK.

First, the meat dress…

This recreation of Lady Gaga’s meat dress was sadly only used twice.  I was asked to make a new meat dress that was funnier.  Meat dress part deux is covered in individually cut foam T-bone steaks that were hand painted and applied one by one.  It’s certainly funny and, unfortunately, I have yet to take a picture of it.  Meat dress part one still exists as I could not bear to destroy it…cause it’s pretty freakin’ amazing.

Second, the stage curtain…

For a few weeks, I had 24 yards of ocean blue velour living in my office as I attempted to make my first ever stage curtain.

The finished dimensions were 11′ x 16′, but as I stitched my little heart out, it felt like so much more.  Maneuvering 44 lbs of fabric does wonders for an arm workout!  I also found an fantastic pleat calculator online which saved me hours of agony (because math is where I totally suck).

I pounded a total of 60 grommets into this bad boy and have the scar to prove it.  Seriously.  I had only 10 more to go when I sliced my pinky finger wide open while cutting a grommet hole.  Blood shot out onto this ocean blue loveliness and I FREAKED!  We were able to save the bloodied curtain and my finger.  Whew!

They hung this masterpiece yesterday and I have yet to see it action, but I hear it looks great.

#9: Appreciate

In which moment did you find yourself flooded with gratitude? How will you rally around gratitude in 2012?

Our friends lovingly added a piece to our wedding ceremony they called the “Jar of Acknowledgement.”  As our friend Stacy read the e.e. cummings poem “i carry your heart with me”, the guests put a slip of paper with their name on it into the jar, acknowledging they witnessed our commitment to one another and will continue to support our marriage.

Gratitude and blessings  overcame my heart as I watched the jar fill to the point of overflowing with the amount of love and support gathered there that day.  The feeling was overwhelming and left me breathless for a brief moment.  What a beautiful feeling!